Fizzy Hipster Drink Hurt My Stomach

Every once and a while I like to try things that I don’t like and give them a second chance. You never know how your tastes change over time. For example, I use to hate cauliflower. The taste, texture and smell made me sick, however, I was able to put that aside to try it again recently and I learned something. I still hate cauliflower, but now I’m 100 percent sure about it.

I’ve had kombucha twice, once last year and again a couple of days ago. The first time I didn’t even finish the bottle I hated it so much. What provoked me to drink it? I don’t know, but I remember thinking “every other millennial on social media is doing it, so it must be cool.” For those of you who don’t know or are like me and Google things before pretending to be an expert on the subject, kombucha is fermented tea that gets carbonated through natural fermentation. Or, at least that’s what Wikipedia says. What I’m almost certain about is the fact that kombucha is disgusting. You’re probably wondering “Gabe, why did you get it again if you knew it would be gross?” I like to give things a second chance. That and I’ve been having some stomach problems recently and thought looking for an alternative to taking shots of Pepto would be in my best interest.

I bought some kombucha at the grocery store and was instantly amazed at the bottle. It was made of thick glass like a Guinness bottle. People must be so overwhelmed by the putrid taste that dropping the bottle after consumption is normal. I twist open the cap, take a deep breath, and put the bottle to my mouth. However, right before I can take the initial gulp I am greeted with the sharp, sour smell of vinegar on the rim of the bottle. I didn’t let this stop me as I thought “maybe the smell is the only negative part.” I was wrong. It was exactly as disgusting as I remembered it being. I decide to put the drink down in my car cup holder as I go finish my errands for the day.

I don’t understand why my fellow millennial friends enjoy making gross foods “trendy.” I feel like this whole kombucha fad is one of those hipster things where people pretend to like something because it’s obscure and unappealing to the masses. “I was abusing my taste buds before it was cool.” If everyone is doing the uncool thing to look cool, doesn’t that make doing the obscure thing the mainstream and not cool? I don’t know, drink Pepsi.

Now, I’m driving home. It’s at this moment I look down to see the kombucha still in the cup holder where I left it a couple hours earlier. Now instead of being a gross, vinegar-smelling cold drink, it is now a gross, vinegar-smelling warm drink. I could have thrown it out, but I remember that I spent $4 on it and I wasn’t going to literally pour out $3.25 worth of hipster drink. I take another sip of the drink and it went down so bad I almost had to pull off the side of the road to collect myself. Between the vinegar smell and the effect it had on my stomach, I felt like the personification of one of those volcanoes from a third-grade science fair. I learned a lesson that I’ll probably forget within the next week. I still hate kombucha, but now I’m 120 percent sure about it.

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Thanks for reading. Next week's blog will be a lot shorter. As always, let me know what you think about this week's post and what you'd like to read about in future posts.