How a Ten Dollar Green Smoothie Didn't Give Me Superpowers

I once bought a ten dollar green smoothie at a café in Portland, Oregon. It’s been a year now and I’m still pretty steamed about it. This happened when I was walking around the hipster section of Portland (I know, I should be more specific.) I thought a smoothie would be the perfect thing to beat the heat of the hot September afternoon.

When I entered the café, I was greeted by an empty room with the only noise being produced was the lukewarm volume of K-pop over the speakers and a single employee working the register. I go up to the counter and order the best seller which was a green looking drink listed at the top of the menu. The drink caught my attention because the color of it jumped off the menu. The thing looked nuclear. Next to the image was a list of all the fruits and vegetables included in the drink. Half of the ingredients I recognized, while the other half I am convinced were invented that year through the genetic mutation of plants. Delicious.

What caught my attention even more was the price. They wanted ten dollars for this smoothie. I felt like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction freaking out about the five dollar milkshake. What makes this smoothie so special that it’s worth ten dollars? It must be made from the tears of hipsters and served in the Holy Grail or Lil Jon’s chalice. If this were true, ten bucks would’ve been a steal.

I found myself talking to the cashier about the ingredients. “What does this one do?” This was the common formula of my questions. At this moment I’m asking questions about the ingredients as if they are going to give me superpowers. The cashier/smoothie maker/maybe owner recognizes my naivety and continues to answer my juvenile questions. To his credit, he was very patient with me. I guess my dullness was the only entertainment he was going to get working the smoothie bar that day.

I go on to ask the cashier “what does blue algae do?” He then went on to describe the benefits of blue algae, I can’t remember what exactly he said because I wasn’t really paying attention. He mentioned something about antioxidants and in an attempt to look smart I just agreed with him, “antioxidant? Why didn’t you say so? I’ll take a large!” The cashier, unimpressed, made me the beverage, I paid, tipped and left.

After consuming the frothy green drink, I didn’t feel like I did something healthy. I couldn’t believe I paid ten dollars for a smoothie. Why was it worth ten dollars? My theory is that the ten dollars is part of the ingredients and they take your money and literally throw it into a blender and make you drink it. I sure learned my lesson that day. Never trust a guy just because he knows facts about blue algae. You could end up losing ten dollars. However, I didn’t really learn my lesson because I ended up paying $8 for a green juice just nine months later.

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Thanks for reading. I know I said this week would be long, but I lied. As always, if there is something you'd like to see me write about in the future or have any opinions about this week's blog let me know in the comments below.